Avoidance, Contradicting Truths, God-Self

12/6/2022

This was written as a stream of consciousness for myself but I felt that the words here were too important to not be shared with others❤

I woke up today feeling off…I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke up a lot. Dreams were scattered. When I was walking my dog, Cosmo, I started talking to the universe and I was starting to ask for help about where to go in my career and what I needed to be working on now to make content for the new year to help prepare myself for success. I stopped. Something about it felt wrong. Like that wasn’t what I was meant to be focusing on right now, like forcing that and projecting that out there would somehow take me away from what I was needing to focus on right now.

Things finally clicked and made sense on the phone with my mom. I realized I feel weird because I’m avoiding.

What am I avoiding?

I’m avoiding the fact that I feel lost and confused because I’ve been denying my soul and now, I’m in a place where my mind has convinced me I’m lost and confused because the truth is scary.

I got an email from a spiritual mentor last night discussing the spiritual industry and sharing her offerings. I noticed how I responded, automatically my mind was like “let’s make a to do list of all the things we have to do to prepare us for success in the future.”

That’s where I’m off center again. Looking around, seeing what others are doing, seeing how others are successful and thinking that if I can do some slight variation of that, that I’ll be successful too. That if it works for them something along those lines has to work for me too. That’s where my mind is wrong. That’s where social media is a threat to me.

It pulls me away from my own experiences into others. It shows me what energy forecasts other people are putting out there, and even if they resonate and validate my own experience, I was already having that experience on my own without their forecast. It shows me what other people do to succeed, their ideas, their career, their business models. It does not show me the way forward for mine. My mind thinks it does but really all social media does is limit what I am capable of creating for myself and the world.

My path to success won’t be found by following others (big tingles in my body) My path to success will be paved and pioneered by me following my own inner landscape and bringing to life the magic and miracles that lay discovered and undiscovered within. My own innovation and creation.

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I find myself grabbing for my phone a lot. Grabbing for my phone to numb myself out, distract myself from reality right now. Same with TV. I’m half convinced the headaches I’ve had all week are from too much screen time. Like the blue light and frequencies are killing my vibe. And even now as I’m sitting here writing this, doing something productive, trying to not avoid my life—I feel the discomfort coursing through my body.

Scrunching up my toes and the urge to scrunch them as tight as the can go. This weird flexing tension in my root chakra, on and off, as it has been for days now. I can feel myself furrowing my brows more every day, the scrunched up 11’s coming together. My jaw tight, clenched, teeth grinding in the front. Biting my lips. Shallow breathing. The fidgeting urge that runs throughout my body. There is an energy that has pent up and built up within me.

Occasionally it gets release, occasionally. Most of the time it’s just moving around in a trapped body with no where to flow. I don’t want it trapped yet at the same time I think I do want it trapped otherwise it wouldn’t be trapped, right?

I find myself most days questioning how to pass the time which is comedic because its not like passing the time is going to change anything. What am I missing? What needs to be dealt with? What am I avoiding so heavily that it’s impacting every aspect of my energy?

WHAT?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!

How do I free myself?

I’m having a hard time letting go. Letting go of the past, letting go of the pain, the hurt. Letting go of all the mean words from myself and others. Letting go of the toxic dynamics. Letting go of the traumas.

Who am I without those? Who am I if not defined by my past and my lowest experiences? Who do I become then?

Maybe that’s the scariest part. I don’t know. It’s uncertain and that’s so scary. I don’t even know why. Maybe because I feel like I’ve been on this grand quest of self-discovery and in this very moment I’m realizing that as much as I thought I had come to understand myself I realize I’ve only understood myself under the limits of my past? (Now I’m laughing and crying)

And who am I, if I’m free of this all? What do I bring to the table? What do I offer?

Silence. Peace. Serenity. Tranquility. Oneness.

Is it really that simple? Is this my god moment where I merge as one with divinity? I’m smiling like it could be. I’m smiling like its that simple. Is it?

Can I be free of the past just like that? Is it a choice to let it go and surrender fully to the unknown? Is this my ego disintegrating further and therefore also integrating even more with the whole?

God, sometimes when I write things, I know they contradict and yet there’s literally no other way to describe the experience. It’s like a blackhole within a blackhole, one eats the other which eats the other for infinity, constantly looping around doing the same thing but differently each time.

I think it’s funny what we’ll do to hold onto the past. We cling to it because it defines us as humans. History has always been important. We celebrate it, we shame it, we reflect on it. We commune with our family, our ancestors, we look at what divides us, what unites us, we bring it all together and we let it create the definition of who we are. And even though that definition changes and morphs through time and space and we can reinvent ourselves, (God knows I have) we still hold onto the most valuable pieces that make us, us.

But why? What’s the point? We’ve been told that challenges make us stronger, more resilient, that healing our pain and trauma shapes us into who we are, that all of our worst moments have helped create our best. I can’t deny that by definition or by experience but I’ve got to wonder, why?

To me I’ve been pulled back and forth between nothing and something, something and everything, everything and nothing, always teetering in one range before shifting into the next. And now I feel as though the last couple years of my life have made me question everything. I’ve gone higher than high compared to my past where I’ve gone lower than low. I’ve been to so many new spaces and places in whatever realms and dimensions they may have been in, and it’s made me feel that confusion is understanding? That chaos is sanity and order. That all contradictions are true because truth is infinite.

Sometimes I feel like a mental patient with the way my mind works and thinks. I won’t even say my mind, I’ll say my energy. The way my energy flows can take me so many different places all within a matter of seconds, minutes…think of what days can do.

Sometimes the truth is I don’t think I know any truths. And that makes me laugh. The more I think I know the more I realize I have no idea, and having no idea is actually “knowing.”

It makes me happy for no reason.

So, when I look at where I am and what I can realize I’ve been avoiding for 2 years, why am I so scared to trust myself? I know the obvious things, fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of not being received, fear of not being successful…but all of those things are defined through the lens and perspective of the ego. And the ego isn’t bad, it creates the idea of us as individuals, it allows us to create goals and measures for success. And as I think about all of this I start to question, what do I really want?

It feels like I want to write and share, it feels like I want to discuss and birth new creations for earth. It feels like I want to channel high vibrational energy onto earth and be an instrument for creation. I want to exist. I want to assist.

Now through a more egoic lens it looks like wanting to be a mentor and a coach for others, to help them step into the next level of themselves. It feels like wanting to create content, courses, posts, videos and communities for these experiences to occur. And I want to be financially compensated accordingly for it. I want to have flexibility and freedom. I want to have autonomy. I want to live through higher vibrations.

^ and I can hear and feel the difference between these two.

I feel that where I have been lately, I have been trying to attach to the more individual idea of what it is that I want to experience and exist as. I think that feels foreign to me in some ways. The vaguer, higher concept ideas feel more familiar. They’re farther out of body, higher up in consciousness. They’re more general and have less details but they’re grander in vibration energetically. They’re bigger.

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I’ve used my ego for protection for years. It is what has allowed me to shapeshift and reflect what I needed to, in order to exist in this world as long as I have. It has been a survival tool. And I have been living in survival mode. Now that I’m working to shift out of that, it feels odd to attach to it. It feels like it’s combative…and is it?

In some ways I feel I will never be understood, I will never be seen, I will never be received 100% by anybody. That’s a wounding. That is something that contributes to my fear around stepping out and doing this, being this.

I’m battling very human things here. Non acceptance. And if I think it’s coming externally, I already know it’s coming internally too. So where am I not accepting myself?

I’m not accepting that I have REAL, POWERFUL, psychic, intuitive, and energetic abilities. I’m not accepting that I’m a fucking badass jedi who can do all of these impossible things that are actually possible. I’m not accepting that I am here to have a big life, I am here to be seen, received and understood. That I am here to make a difference and help humanity and earth.

And why? Why am I not accepting that? Because I don’t feel fully confident in those things yet? Because I’ve had experiences that counter them? Because it feels like this is my ego being inflated like a hot air balloon? Because it feels uncomfortable to think highly of myself? Uncomfortable to believe in myself?

And why? ^

Because we’ve been told not to do these things, not to feel these things or think these things. We’ve been condemned for them. We’ve been judged for them, ridiculed by others. We’ve been outcast and told we’re crazy. But why? Why give the external more power than the internal? Why do that to yourself?

Because you’re scared. And why? Why are you scared? Because it’s you rejecting you. Everyone is you. When one part of you doesn’t like you and respect you and accept you, it feels like you don’t like respect and accept yourself. And why is that hurtful? Because it’s a lack of love. It brings in denser, lower frequencies.

Is it your job to change them? Is it your job to hold onto them? To interact with them? Is it wrong to ignore them?

I don’t know. It makes my heart hurt.

Can I find enough acceptance and love internally? Can I give myself enough acceptance and love internally? And can my own love and acceptance be enough? And if not, why? Why is external love and acceptance an important factor?

Can I let it go? Can I love myself enough to let it go? I can’t eliminate things outside of me. I can’t change the way people react, feel and think about me. But can I let those go? Can I acknowledge that those are theirs and not mine? But they are technically mine since we are all one, right?

So can I then acknowledge that somewhere in the universe, a part of me doesn’t love and accept me as I am, doesn’t receive me, doesn’t understand me…

Perhaps I can look at that experience as still being the same me just on a different part of the experience spectrum. That we all have to fall somewhere on the number line positive or negative and that we may just be at different points. Can I have compassion towards the other part of me that can’t receive me where I’m at because we come from different points in time and space and therefore different perspectives but simultaneously acknowledge that we are a part of the same thing and therefore even though different in one version of now, we are the same in another version of now?

God forbid the soul who tries to understand what I just wrote. I know it makes sense to me.

So really, why am I stalling my own quest? Why am I denying myself? Am I split into two different parts, at two different points in the timeline, existing in two different spaces? Is this what it feels like to be split between dimensions, anchoring in both but teetering the line back and for going from 50.4 and 49.6. Changing back and forth between which side I’m on just so slightly that both dimensional versions exist in my body.

How to I increase the higher dimensional version to anchor into that timeline and reality permanently instead of teetering back and forth constantly causing this confusion and knowingness?

What has to go? What must be let go of? I surrender my past. It no longer defines me. I choose to look forward by being present with my energy. I am free to be, exist and create what I want. I am not limited. Whenever I catch myself trying to limit, define or create from a version of the past I will stop and re-evaluate.

So, what does that look like? Part of me thinks it means having no expectations good or bad. That doesn’t mean you can’t want good things for yourself or desire them to manifest but it means doing something because it feels good to do it. Doing something because you want to do it and having no attachments to the outcome. It means noticing when you are coming from a place of stress, fear, anxiety, worry, guilt, shame, anger, and sadness and knowing that if you are coming from there, you are coming from the past, and that coming from the past isn’t the best place you can come from.

The more you can anchor into the present the more things will flow through you freely, the more freedom you have.

And that feels scary. It feels scary to leave it all behind. The stories, the experiences, the accomplishments, the definitions of you. But does it really define us?

Does it have to?

I feel my sacral and solar plexus wanting to grab onto something material, some idea, some concept, something that provides a feeling of comfort and security. I can feel myself wanting to define who I am, what I’m doing, my purpose, my path. Anything remotely material or conceptual that I can latch onto as a lifeboat through the rapids and adventures of the cosmos. Give me something safe to float on for my ride and journey.

But what if I can swim and breathe underwater? Then do I even need the lifeboat? Aren’t I already safe, just in an abstract way? What about predators in the water? Can’t they hurt me? I suppose, but that’s only if there’s implied threats in the first place. Who’s to say there are threats? There doesn’t have to be. There might just be friends, connections, those along for the ride too that cross our paths. Some for moments, some for the entire length of time.

When I think about it now, when I ask why I’m scared, my answer is because things are uncertain, because I feel like I need a plan in place, proof, evidence that things will work out, proof and evidence that I can believe in myself…all these things that want external definition when really I should be focused on internal definition.

So, what’s my plan? I’m riding the waves, taking each on as they come. I’m present in the moment.

Are you sure you can follow through on that? What about all the human tasks you have to complete like cooking, cleaning, errands, responsibilities? How will you handle those without avoiding them? Why do you want to avoid them?

I want to avoid them because I feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable because I don’t feel like they’re doing anything for me or I’m doing anything for myself. I want to avoid doing things for myself because I’m scared.

And why are you scared? I’m scared I’ll make a mistake, do them wrong, fuck it up.

What if I told you, you couldn’t? I feel myself wanting to argue. Find some reason, some justification.

Is it possible you want to be lazy? Maybe. And why would you want to be lazy? Because I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling like things don’t change for me, like things can’t be easy for me.

That sounds like old beliefs and stories, doesn’t it? It does. And if those are old energies, would you then be approaching life from a perspective of the past? Yes. And why might you be doing that? Because it’s comfortable. And it’s comfortable why? Because I know how that feels. And do you like how that feels? No. Then why do it? Because choosing to do something else and approach it with a different perspective feels risky and scary, it feels like I could get hurt.

And if you do, what will happen then? Well, I’ll kick myself and the same stories I always attach to and believe will have more evidence for why they’re right. Why is that the only option? Is it possible there can be a different perspective? I suppose, but like what?

Well, what if you looked at it as one experience, completely unrelated to others from the past and completely independent, non-binding, and unrelating to any in the future?

So, a one off?

Yes, something that is independent and isn’t impacted by anything else.

But isn’t everything connected? Doesn’t everything impact everything? Yes and no. Everything is connected and therefore interacts, but you can choose how you interact and what you actively interact with. You can choose to stop identifying and interacting with things from the past, you don’t have to be scared of failing, you don’t have to fear fear. Fear does not need to be this huge impossible mountain; fear can be 2 easy stairs to climb up. It’s about how you can frame the situation in your perspective.

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How can you dictate your reality…

By choosing to continue working towards freedom. You tell yourself and your perspective that you are not yet free. By choosing that you are working towards financial abundance, your perspective reality shows that you are not abundant. Stop working towards things. Frame your perspective to BE things.

How do I do that…how do I just “be free, be abundant, be successful” when my external reality doesn’t yet dictate that? Haven’t you learnt that it must be internally experienced and given for it to be real? You don’t need it externally. And no, this is not you lying to yourself. It is choosing for yourself.

You are already free. You are already abundant. You are already successful. All of these things right now. Not in the future, not in the past, right now. Anything denying these truths isn’t worth attaching to because it is not coming from now it’s coming from the past.

The more you anchor these truths into your energy the stronger they are and the more potent they feel. I am the creator of my experience.

How do I remember all of this when the past undoubtedly presents itself in the now? You notice it. You observe it. You allow it to pass. Then you allow your truth to come in instead. Feel it fill you up, light you up, feel the potency grow and radiate. You let your existence shine presently.

You don’t let any bullshit stories take root, you don’t let any wounds dictate your existence and experience. You allow your truth, your real truth as a whole be true.