Fear and Timing

I’ve felt sad for awhile. Sad because I feel lost in some ways.

It’s weird though because I feel a large sense of peace and neutrality in my life. I feel like I am zeroed in on a point of balance, (0,0) on a graph.

I feel largely anchored into the fourth dimension with most of my consciousness being there. That may not sound very impressive…5D is what gets all the hype. But 4D has a lot to offer too.

Colors are more vibrant, I feel connected to nature beings, I can feel them and communicate with them. I play around with energy and the universe for fun all the time…”show me a rainbow when I’m on the right path.” Several days pass by and then I see 3 rainbows in the same day.

Or sometimes I play around with frequencies just to see how powerful I am—I send love out to every stranger, every animal I pass, anything that draws my attention and I watch how the universe responds. Typically more smiles, more kindness, and more opportunities for love to be mirrored back.

For the last 6 months I’ve been battling between my heart and my mind.

My intention is to live through my heart. But my mind has other plans.

This won’t be a very long post but I hope it’s short and significant.

To be blunt, whenever I try and focus on building my business, setting goals, making plans, it feels inauthentic.

I’ve been scared to admit that. Really scared. A part of me has been avoiding those thoughts and feelings because I haven’t wanted them to be true.

How can they be? What does that mean for my life? The future?! (See how the mind takes you away from the heart and away from the now? Sneaky)

The idea of approaching this business, my business, the way that all business has been approached feels limiting. It feels constrictive. It feels like a box I’ve outgrown even though I’ve never done it in this lifetime.

I know that consistency needs to be there. But I don’t even know what I want to be consistent with. I think the scariest part is that I did know. At different points in the past, I did know what I wanted to be consistent with, how I wanted to show up in the world. First it was to provide psychic intuitive readings for people, then it was shamanic healings, then it was energy coaching…each one a skill in my arsenal.

Now it’s vague again. Those are me but they don’t feel like me now. The ideas I have for what feels right for me now are ideas I’m too scared to act on.

I’ve been beating myself up over that. Why does fear have a way of stalling us?

I know that as I clear layers of density from myself I become lighter and lighter but that ultimately, the clearing process will continue until the density ceases to exist—which I don’t think actually will happen in this lifetime BUT I do believe that the “density” being cleared will become lighter and will be cleared more quickly as it will be less deeply rooted like a tree and more like a surface level weed.

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I feel like I’m rebuilding my own foundation right now. I feel like I’m in the midst of reconstructing myself after a deep deconstruction. Like my building foundation finally rotted and collapsed and now I have to rebuild.

Makes sense following a dark night of the soul *sigh*

Focusing on business strategy and trying to promote/sell my services doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m trying too hard to be this incredibly bad ass entrepreneur who’s also holding onto the past. And it feels like I can’t quite grasp my future offerings for the collective/the world and what they’ll be yet either.

I finally realized that I am again living out of alignment with my timing and then wondering why things are the way they are.

And not in all ways. I think a good part of what I’m doing right now focuses on my physical existence, my root chakra—my sleep, my health, my fitness, my diet, taking care of my body in new ways. I think that is all part of the rebuilding and restructuring of who I am and what’s important to me. I am laying the layers of my foundation now and that is SO IMPORTANT. Without a strong foundation the structure will crumble and nothing can be built on top of it.

I have to remember that I’m in a beginning not the peak. I am in a spring season. I am here to explore new ideas and perspectives, play around, try everything. This isn’t my time of great success this is my time of curiosity.

So why fight your timing? I’m not meant to focus on all of the things that my mind thinks I should be right now.

Words written for myself:

Focusing on rebuilding yourself, not contributing things to the world.  

It’s time to let go of the expectations. The expectations you’ve placed on yourself, and the perceived expectations placed on you by others. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone because you are already enough. Let go of the pressure.

There is none. You are here to live life. To explore it and all the depths to it. You are not here to conquer the world by 30. It doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t be successful, you already are and it will continue to be. It just means that there’s lots to experience and it’s ok to take your time and enjoy it. Things don’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to force it. Let go.

You cannot will something into existence through desperation.

If its meant to be it will be.

Stop letting your mind define what you can do, who you are, who you can be, what you can offer, what you can share, what you can create, what you can be. Chances are the best possibilities lie outside of what the mind can perceive. The best things can’t be planned and known. They have to be discovered.

Your wildest dreams know no limits and the mind is riddled with limits. Let your heart guide you forward into the unknown, into wonderland.

Be in your season. Be in your timing, wherever that is. Don’t deny your truth right now because you think it shouldn’t be. That creates unnecessary conflict and confusion. It’s ok to be where you are. Love yourself for it ❤